Red Lentil Baconish Bits
Dump the lentils and the water together in a medium saucepan and put it over medium heat. Once the pot comes to a boil, turn the heat to medium low and let it simmer for 7-9 minutes or until the lentils are just tender and not mushy. DON'T LET THEM GET MUSHY! Mushy defeats the whole purpose of them. Drain them immediately.
While the lentils are cooking, mix all the marinade ingredients into a medium bowl with high sides. After you drain the lentils, toss them into the smoky marinade, pushing them down so they’re all covered and let them soak that shit up for at least 30 minutes and up to 4 hours.
When you're ready to get those bitches crispy, turn up your oven to 425 degrees. Drain away the marinade, dump the lentils back in the bowl and toss them with a tablespoon of olive oil. Then spread them in one layer over a baking sheet lined with a nonstick baking mat or parchment paper. Bake these lil fuckers for 15 minutes, then stir them around, and bake them for 5-8 minutes more so that they are nice and crispy.
Store them in an airtight container in the fridge and they should last for at least 10 day but you’re def eating them before that. Toss these onto a salad, into pasta, mix them up with some snack mix or popcorn. Figure it out.
* I know what you're thinking, "I'll just use [insert name of other lentil or bean]." Don't do that shit. I picked these guys for a fucking reason. Get the right lentil.
** This is near the BBQ in the store. We swear.